okay. what the FUCK is this thing? pizza hut has been running commercials for this american abomination for a while now, but i seriously just noticed. or, it just hit me rather. it sunk in. for the first time, i listened. i heard the word: pizone (echo sound).
as a matter of fact, this is the second spot for this shit pie, i believe, and it must be the 8th time i’ve seen this particular commercial for it, but i never really cared until now. the point is: this thing is fucking gross and i want it to go away. now, i am sure you are curious where this dynamite name came from. who is at the ‘creative’ healm at pizza hut shitting out nuggets like this. i too wondered. come with me, let’s think it out. what would happen if a calzone and a pizza had sex? stay with me, and during the UNPROTECTED sex, the calzone accidently finished (ie shot it’s load) inside of the pizza? and the pizza subsequently missed it’s period and was pregnant? and, despite all of the calzones pleas for the stubborn pizza to take ‘care of it’, if you know what i mean…or the pizza means, the calzone was all like ‘i’m keeping it. it’s my body.’? even though the pizza knew it was going to change both of their lives for the worse, at the beginning at least, the calzone went ahead and had it? well, what would happen is a pizone.
now, clearly this doesn’t sound bad. shit, who doesn’t like pizza and calzones? nazis, that’s who. so, if you’re not a nazi, this thing appeals to you on some level. but pizza hut has the fucking nerve to BOAST about what’s inside. it is filled with ‘over a pound’ of cheese and pepperoni. OVER A POUND! nobody should be eating a pound of sausage and sauce and cheese in a day, or a couple of days really, let alone one fucking meal. one sitting. a pound? people hear what i am saying: A FUCKING POUND! there is a pound of shit in these. eat five of these and you have put on five pounds (i’m not a doctor). it is getting ridiculous. i worry about where we are headed. look, we all like a burger or two and fries etc. that’s normal. but should we really just be throwing this out there to see how we respond. if there is one thing that i have learned in my life it’s that americans like to eat food. a lot. and we’ll eat anything they throw our way. whatever it is. so, now i think maybe it is time for the restaurants to relax. a little, at least. quit daring us to eat this shit! we’ll do it and that’s a bad thing. someone needs to be responsible and it’s not us. it’s them.
recently a commercial was running that was so serious i thought it was for a 9/11 fund or something. it was filled with a lot of ‘as americans we…’ sort of shit. and it turned out to be for mcdonalds new ‘chicken’ sandwiches. isn’t there something wrong with that? can’t we reserve the somber tone for things that are important. we don’t need an american flag in the background for a sandwich. it’s a sandwich not a senator.
i like fast food, but it is becoming a joke. items like the pizone seem more like a prop in a mike judge film not an option for lunch. what could possibly be next? i am a little worried to find out.
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