It all started late two nights ago night while I slept…well….late is 1030 pm pst. STILL, my phone blows up with this text from my old friend Ben Gleib. We haven’t spoken in a while, so it is a welcomed surprise. Text read: “Gareth, just got this text from Neil Brennan (guy who was Dave Chapelle’s writing/creative partner): “Ben, can you go to Alan Thicke’s house tomorrow night and help with a game show thing? Bring a funny friend.” Like I said in that parenthetical, Neil Brennan is a stand up who helped Chappelle create his amazing sho: Chapelle Show. So, of course I would want to do something with him right? Yes. I texted back “I’m fucking in. Thanks.”
Moving on.
7 pm last night, I roll up to the address I was given. Big house. Gate. Nice ass spread. I see Ben, we exchange pleasantries and walk up to the house. En route, we bump into Mark. Mark is the guy who, for those of you who are old and trashy, that hosted the fox dating show ‘Studs’. Recognized him right away. It’s a curse. So, Mark’s now walking to the house with us. We have some awkward banter. Mark rings the doorbell and we wait a minute. Then suddenly, the door flies open and we are greeted by a BEAMING Alan Thicke. Alan f’in Thicke. So, Alan Thicke, if you don’t know was the Dad on Growing Pains, but has also made a bunch of gameshows over the years. You’d know him. Fuck, you should know him. Anyway, we say hi, sup, why is Mike Seaver so into God now, the usual. I correct him on the pronunciation of my name and then he leads us to the bar/living room. Huge. He has a ton of food set out and about 15 other people there. People are drinking and laughing and….well…it is at this point I realize I have no idea what is going on. I thought that Ben and I were going to tape some sort of Game show spoof that Alan Thicke would host and Neil Brennan would direct. Neil Brennan: not there. 15 strangers: there.
I pull Ben aside.
Gareth: What the fuck is this?
Ben: I don’t know. Spinach dip is UNREAL.
Gareth: Where is Neil?
Ben: Neil? Neil is not coming.
Gareth: What is this?
Ben: I dunno. I think we’re just testing out a new game show. How good is this dip?
So clearly, I did not understand. Instead of shooting a sketch, I am now testing an Alan Thicke game show. Alright. Still down. I’m here after all.
Somebody asked me what this event was and I said I thought “one of those parties where we all drink poison and think we are going to heaven or some shit.” There was really that vibe. A room full of strangers, drinking, nobody knows what the deal is. It’s either Heavens gate 2.0 or an orgy. Anyways, we just eat until…
Alan Thicke gets in front of the group and gets us all on the same page. Now, this is paraphrasing. But something like this.
“Okay gang, thanks for coming tonight. Help yourself to any food or booze, we want you guys liquored up! (folks laugh) But seriously, what tonight is is a chance for me and some of my business partners to test out our new game show that we are making. So, what we want everybody to do is write your name on one of these nametags (we do), get to know each other a little and in about 10 minutes we will head into my other room where we have set up a game show. It’s obviously not completely put together, but it will be enough. We will be taping this and editing it down to try to sell it. so, ten minutes!”
Ben shovelled more spinach dip in his mouth. Just when the words “Ben, what have you gotten me into?” were about to come out, Alan Thicke walks in between us. He looks good. He has to be getting up there but still has his wits about him and dare I say is H-O-T. What? Forget I said that last part. He asked us what our deal was really, who we knew, what we do, why we were in his house (an answer I will never ever have mind you. Why am I in Alan Thicke’s house?! No clue!) Regardless, we break it down. We’re hilarious blah blah blah blah do comedy etc. Alan says that he wants us to be the very first players of his new game show. Oh and play the game with these two women. Hot women. That is neither here nor there, just know: they were hot.
Ben and I agree.
Into the ‘game show room’ we walk. All of us. Me and Ben and the two girls will play and the rest of the people will be the audience. There are boards with celebrities on them, a huge couch, tons of multi colored golf balls, buckets, directors chairs with “Growing pains” on the back, and some mini dry erase boards. Normal, right? Alan walks us all over and then he explains the game. Now, I probably shouldn’t over explain the game because he is trying to sell it, but basically: you get partnered up with a celebrity (Studs guy Mark and this other cool Lady named Mavael) and they help you answer a question. You get the question right and you throw one of your colored golf balls in a bin. Wrong, you get squat. But it is like Hollywood squares in the sense that the celebrities have BS ‘funny’ answers. We’re told to each pick a color of golfball. There are trays sitting there. I decide to go with the neon yellow. You know, it says ‘look at me’ without begging for it, no? oh, well, anyways…
Ben (who picked red balls that stained his palms hee hee) goes first and is playing against some girl who is on a soap opera. He mops the floor with her. Really. I don’t think he missed one. He is hilarious and killing it. He is not supposed to be funny (that is Mark from Stud’s job), but he is AND winning. Boom!
So, Ben exits the stage and will play the winner of my round against the other girl. While, I would not say I dominated her like Ben did his hot girl, I did win and got some jokes in there along the way. So, I won. Now, all the time when you get the answer right you drop a ball in this bin. The more balls (hahahahaha) the better because it all leads up to a drawing at the end, so, the more balls (still laughing) the better chance you have of winning.
So, since Ben and I won our individual matches, we now had to play one another. Brother vs. Brother shit. Civil war, baby!
Look, at this point, I want to win this shit. Fuck Ben, I have the eye of the tiger. It’s the last round, I am actually nervous. We go head to head and it is neck and neck. He gets one, I get one. I miss, he misses. Neck n fucking neck. At the end of that round, it is time to reap the benefits of all our hard work. Ben and I probably have about 20 balls in the bucket each. It all comes down to a drawing. A lottery of sorts.
Alan: “okay, so, now we will pull out a ball and whoever’s ball it is, gets to play the bonus round.”
Alan, eyes closed, is skimming over all the balls with his hand (wow….that even creeps me out with how weird it sounds) and he pulls out the winner.
NEON YELLOW. IE: my fucking ball. Bonus round for Gareth.
Well, long story short, I lose the bonus round. There was obviously no real prize, no trip to hawaii, no showcase showdown, no money. So, I lost. Big deal. It was hilarious.
We are told to take a ten minute break. All of us. They are about to play another round, but I decide I should just jet. So, when Alan is gathering people for round two I tell him that I am leaving. We talk for about five minutes. He says that me and Ben were hilarious and that we how to be funny on a show like this. I say for sure. He has his assistant write down my number and email and says he will be in touch. I’m like “okay……Alan Thicke…text whenev’s!!!”
So, I leave. I immediately call my buddy from Wisconsin to laugh about it. Mid convo, I get a text. It’s from Ben:
“Alan wants to know if we can come back tomorrow night. Yeah?”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I reply: “See you there.” Part two is tonight. probably less eventfull, so i may leave it here.
The reality of a situation like this is nothing will come from it. This shit is what LA is all about. Funny little things that lead nowhere. I won’t be a staple on Alan Thicke’s new hit game show. But what I do get, my trip to hawaii or cash Prize was this, if you will. An evening with Alan Thicke. And now I am the returning champ.
Quote of the night from Alan: “This is how a lot of gameshows are conceived. I came up with a game show in my living room with my 13 year old sister and 11 year old brother. A show that launched Alex Trebek. He still hasn’t given me any money for that.”
No clue what he was talking about. Still can’t figure it out.
