this is addressed to the men of pornography. if you are not a man who gets paid to be in pornography, please stop reading this graphic blog.
ok. hi. hey! how are you? good? bald headed? covered in tattoos? great. awesome. okay. so, listen. this is not easy for either of us. it’s not comfortable. and if there was less embarassing way for me to do this, i would. there’s not, so, on behalf of all men who from time to time take a turn for the perverse online, i must ask you to do us a favor: SHUT THE FUCK UP! shut up! stop! stop screaming and narrating! stop it. shut up. stop with the constant yapping. all the noise. nobody is interested. look, it’s like this, when, from time to time, i indulge in a little porno viewing online, it is for the women. the ladies. are you invited? of course. of course you are. hell, it wouldn’t be the same party without you. that being said, let the lady do the talking. the noise making. the whole thing. let her drive the ship. lead the dance. teach the class. stop with the ‘uhhhhhhhh! ughhhhhhh! oh my god! ughhhhhhhh! oh shiiiiiit. ohhhhh yeahhhhh! yah!!!!! YEAH!’, fella’s, SERIOUSLY, nobody cares. it’s like going to see a movie and an extra in the background is mouthing shit at the camera during the scene. quit being so distracting. what are you thinking? just be happy to be involved. i would be! you’re a dime a dozen, you men of porn. seriously. trust me, nobody cares to hear you grunt like a jailed gorrilla fixated on a banana 6 feet away from the cage.
follow me here, a few years ago, i remember a ridiculous story i heard about KFC restaurants. there was a rumor that they were, for the sake of cost cutting, no longer using chickens for their fried…well, chicken. seriously, look it up. as the theory goes, KFC were now using some sort of genetic freak called ‘animal 13, 14, or 16’ or something like that instead. this animal teen thing was pretty close to a chicken. it had 3 breasts, multiple wings, feathers, but the kicker? no head. it’s headless! 3 breasts and no head! (relax stand up comics of the 80’s. no need for a ‘wish that was my wife!’ joke here) picture it: a cage filled with 3 breasted, no headed, feather covered mutants running around bumping into each other. passing the time thinking…well, nothing. no head means no brain. that is why KFC is no longer called kentucky fried chicken, is the rumor. because the recipes DO still come from kentucky and the meat is STILL fried, but it does not come from something that can be called a chicken. it comes from that freak.
okay. the connection:
the point is, i am suggesting that we use this template for our male porn actors. a couple genetic ticks to the left and we could neutralize the issue. create ‘porno actor 17’. a jacked up, tattooed man with the proper equipment for the biz (wink wink) and NO head! think about it. it’s a solution! we now are able to watch the porn we love, without the godamned peanut gallery ‘ugh’ing and ‘oh my god’ing all over the place. a headless porno actor! it’s either that or we just stick to the girl on girl stuff. but i like options. so, it’s your choice men of porno. either we go to the lab and mix and match beakers until we hit on our ‘pornostein’ or you can zip it. you can get it through your head (stop it) that you are not why i showed up. you can understand that they could swap you out mid-scene and nobody would notice. you can fathom that just because you were blessed in one area, it does not mean anyone wants to hear your mid bang ad libbing. so, there you go. mull it. and let me know by the end of the day. your call.
just sayin.
—Gareth
